If You're Gone
by werecool
Summary: Draco's memories of a life with Harry that is no more. Waring: slight Language, some SelfHarm, and suicide


**Summery: Memories of his life with Harry, which is now no more.**

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They say my eyes don't shine like they used too; it's all your fault. You were the light to my life, but now you're gone. I'm just sitting here listening to the rain pound on the roof absorbed in memories of you and I.

We meet after three years of no communication. It was at a children's shelter.

"Are you serious? I have to stay here for two months?"

"Yes."

"I think you're mistaken."

"Sorry, but you're staying." The official said before driving off. I heaved a loud sigh.

"Kids guess whose back?" I not-too-far-off voice sounded; I turned into the direction of the noise I couldn't believe my eyes there you were.

"HARRY!!" This loud screech sounded and a stamped of kids came pouring off of the playground and dog piling you on.

"I can't breathe."

"Sorry!" They said in unison backing ever so slightly away from you.

"It's alright; I know you didn't mean it."

"Why were you gone so long?"

"I was only gone for three."

"It seemed a lot longer to me." A small boy dressed in tattered overalls and navy short-sleeved shirt with longish brown hair.

"Come on, let's go inside." Most of the children closest to you competed over holding your hand, but soon the competition was over and you walked into the building.

When I walked in you were over sitting cross-legged on a mat across from a little girl with long blond ponytails and an assortment of dolls clothes and accessories. "Do you think that she should wear these shoes?"

"No, silly, those don't match her dress. See?"

"You're right; why didn't I see that before?" the girl simply shrugged and went back to looking. I tore my attention from you and went to the front desk.

"Hello, how may I help you?"

"I'm supposed to be working here for the next few months."

"Oh, you must be Mister Malfoy."

"Yes."

"Well, since you've had no previous experience with children, you're going to be working with a volunteer that the children have just seemed to have warmed up to. Harry, will you come over here please?"

You looked at the girl. "Hold on one second, Mary, I'll be right back." You put down the doll, stood up, and came over. "Yes, Susan?"

"We have a new person: Mr. Malfoy. I need you to just show him the ropes. Can you do that?"

"Sure thing."

"Just follow him." You led me from the desk, to the snack area.

"Potter."

"Malfoy." After all those years that's the first thing you said to me, my name.

HarryPotter-DracoMalfoy

It was our first date; you were so beautiful in your black slacks and jade-green silk shirt. I could tell that you didn't dress up much, but I wasn't going to tell you that. Besides, it made me feel special that you went all fancy for me. You glanced around nervously before finding and making your way towards me.

"Hey Draco."

"You can sit down. You know that right?"

"Of course." Shiftily you sat down. "So, how- how have you been?"

"I've been okay considering I'm living in the worlds worst apartment since my father disowned me. On Monday, I found a rat. Can you believe it? So how've you been? I didn't see you yesterday at work."

"It's been hectic this week and I reached the quota for the volunteering; so they had to bodily drag me out of the place Tuesday. They then gave me this…um…sorry."

"What for?"

"I've been babbling, you probably don't want to here about this do you?"

"On the contrary, I'd love to hear about it."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"Okay," You began slowly then looked up at me and saw something in my eyes, "So they gave me this check for my overtime working at the shelter. But I said I didn't need a fucking check I wanted to see the kids. I think that surprised them since I was actually doing community service, but--well I haven't told anyone this, promise to keep it a secret—those kids are all I have." You blushed profusely you'd just told me your secret on the first date. So you hightailed it out of there. "Sorry, Draco, I have to go. Maybe I'll see you at the shelter."

"Wait."

"I'm sorry; so sorry." You said as you backed out of the door onto the street. That hurt me more then you'll ever know, it made it seem that you didn't trust me.

HarryPotter-DracoMalfoy

I set up this wonderful night for us: dinner at the best restaurant in town.

"You shouldn't have done all this for me."

"Who said it was for you? You just came in first"

"What?" You looked so alarmed that I might be leaving you, but in the end it was the other way around.

"I was joking Harry, calm down."

"Oh," we sat there in silence for a moment before your face broke out in this huge grin, "I thought Malfoys didn't joke."

"I bent the rule a little just for you."

"I didn't know you cared so much."

"I don't, I just want you to think I do."

"I think I'm starting to grow on you."

"Yes, we should spend some time away from each other." You sat there with this blank expression on your face, "You're right, you are starting to grow on me. You know what else? I think I'm starting to like it." This look of pure joy encompassed your face your eyes even got that light in them, I love it when they do that, but I wont see it any longer.

"You really mean that?"

"Yes I do."

"Good because if you were joking again then I might've hex you into the next eternity."

"Is that a threat?"

"If you keep messing with my heart, then yes."

"Well I should just stop talking altogether…once I figure out how to shut up that is." We laughed for the next ten minutes it seemed or at least until the waiter came with our food. There were no other customers because I got us a private room; like every time we went out. I think you'd grown used to it: I mean, we'd been dating for as long as I remember. "Harry." I said in a very serious tone you looked up expecting for the worst. "How long have we been going out?"

"Two years, eight months, three weeks, five days, and ten hours."

"You've been keeping track?"

"On a calendar under my bed."

"Oh…do you love me?"

"With all of my heart."

"Do you want to be with me for the rest of your life?"

"I haven't thought of that before. I like being with you even though you can be a right pain in the arse sometimes, so yes." You rambled taking a sip of wine.

"Will you marry me?"

"What?" You almost choked on your wine.

I got down on one knee pulling a velvety box out of my pocket. "I asked if you would marry me." Slowly I opened the box exposing the strict solid 14kgold banded ring with an engraved lion and snake within. "You don't have to answer right away."

"Can I hold it?" You questioned tentatively extending your hand.

"I don't see why not." You moved to touch it. "No, let me, put it in its rightful place." I slid it onto your finger, "Now you can admire how wonderful it looks." That's just what you did.

"Hey, I'll be right back; stay put." You stood up and walked into the other section of the restaurant. I had no clue where you went, but five minutes later you came back in.

"I went to ask one of the bartenders if it looked good on my finger. He said it did, but I want to make sure so…I'll tell you in a week."

"Harry for you, I'd wait an infinity."

"Thanks Love." I paid the bill and we left the restaurant holding hands taking a stroll in the moonlight. I dropped you off at your door. You said it'd be fine if I left at the apartment buildings entrance but I insisted and you caved. I went home humming a happy tune.

HarryPotter-DracoMalfoy

I came home to our flat. The lights were off and furniture was thrown around haphazardly from what seemed a blind rage. "Harry?" I made my way through the maze that was now our parlor. "Love, where are you?" My eyes began to adjust to the light; I saw you huddled in a corner. Coming towards you in a room that was thrown apart like all the others I'd come through. I don't even think you knew I was there until I took you in my arms. "What do-" I began angrily then I noticed your tears stained face. "What happened?"

"He's he's-there." You couldn't even make out the words I just let you cry in my arms. "Sorry."

"Don't be. Now, tell me what's wrong."

"It's Remus—he's…he's gone…Draco, all the Marauders are dead." Now I didn't know what in the hell a Marauder was but I wasn't going to let you know that.

"When?"

"They just told me."

"You poor thing." You broke down again, but I didn't care. You were in pain, and you needed to let it all out. We sat for hours like that until you wanted to leave and go wash your face. I let you go and watched you sadly walk away.

HarryPotter-DracoMalfoy

The phone rang I went to pick it up. You weren't home yet but were bound to be in an hour or so.

"Hello?" Some strange man I'd never heard before said on the other line.

"Mr. Malfoy?"

"Yes."

"I'm afraid I have some bad news, it's about Harry."

"What? What is it?"

"Mr. Potter's dead. He was shot on his way to the clinic. We're doing the best we can to find out who it was and-" He stopped. "Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Malfoy, are you still there?"

I'd forgotten how to breathe.

HarryPotter-DracoMalfoy

Your funeral was the worst thing I've ever experienced. It was like saying you were really gone, which you were, but I didn't want to admit it.

It was dull and humid that day any minute now the heavens were going to flood out. I hoped beyond hoped that when it began to rain you'd come down with it.

All day, Hermione kept saying she was "sorry for my loss" and "knew what I was going through". But how could she? She didn't even know me, not the real me. Only you ever really understood me.

I wasn't listening to what those people who hated me because of my name were saying about you. Probably going on about how nice a person you were, all of your accomplishments, and how it was sad that you died at such an early age all alone. That's when I got mad.

"That's a lie." In my rage I'd forgotten that only ten people knew we were married and a few more knew that you were gay. _I'm sorry I spoiled your secret; I didn't mean to tell everyone._

"Excuse me?"

"Harry did not die alone." I hissed.

"How would you know?"

"I was there."

By this point Hermione and Ron put their hands on my shoulders trying to keep me from making a scene. "Please Draco, don't cause any trouble, that's not what he would've wanted."

I tore out of their grasp. "How do you know what Harry would've wanted? How could any of you know?" I was shaking and my fists were clinched so hard that my knuckles were white. "Who was there at night when he didn't know what was wrong? Me. Who comforted him when he cried for hours after Remus, his last link to his family, died? Me. Who loved him in every single way possible physical and mental? Me. Who took him to Saint Mungo's when he went into anaphylactic shock? Me." I was unknowly crying by now. "Who married him? Me. Who waited on him hand and foot because he was so worried that he might die at any second? Me. Who was his lover, his best friend, his husband? Me. Who did he tell his deepest secrets to? Me. Who loved him till the day he died and will forever more? Me. Who was his everything? I was, I am, and I will be. Who-who wishes with all his heart that he could have died instead and suffered for him? Me, me, me, me, me!! I was all me. Now I've lost the only good thing that I had. So don't you dare stand up there and say he died alone, because he had me. You'll never know him, the real him, the Harry I knew!" Everyone was shocked from my outburst. They just stared. _Harry, I'm sorry that I ruined you funeral, but I just had to set them straight._ They soon carried on with the service acting as if my outburst never happened.

When they lowered your casket into the ground I just wanted to throw myself over it and shake you awake; you're not gone! Just in another one of those unresponsive comas you used to go into.

HarryPotter-DracoMalfoy

"They say my eyes don't shine like they used to. The light died with you and only you can bring them back. So my death is coming soon. Ron said if I kill myself that you wouldn't like it. Like Hell he knows what you do and don't like; then Hermione said I'll go to Hell for sure; it doesn't matter I'm already there." Draco muttered to no one as he picked up his knife.

"You were right you know, pictures do last longer; but then again I was right too, I said they don't give you the same feeling. I'll see you soon, I hope." He breathed his final words as he sliced the cool metal into both his wrist and waited for death to take him. He was found five days later. He had a funeral, but it didn't matter. The only person he wanted wasn't there. He was here with him forever. Forever, that's how long he said they'd stay together. At least he was right about one thing.

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**The End…for more then just a story.**

**A/N I know that it's dark and that there are so many other stories out there like this but I just needed a place for all my angst and pain to go writing was the only non-potentially dangerous thing so there it is, the emotions of a teenager bottled up. I was going for it to be deep, but I think I failed at that. Please review and tell me what you think. **


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